Falling Apart & Finding Hope

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I haven’t mentioned my fertility journey on here in many months but need to share (perhaps over-share) my current state, mostly for myself, but perhaps for a few of you out there as well. This won’t be easy, or pretty, but writing is the one thing I can do to make myself feel a little better, help process what I’m going through fully and move on.

Over the past month we did our first round of IVF.  And we found out this weekend that that little, perfectly awesome embryo just didn’t stick.  To say I am gutted and devastated is an understatement.  While I was cautious and even pessimistic (who? me???) about it working on our first try, a small part of me thought it would.  I  admit to being up nights thinking about how I’d tell Andrew,  about the joy of being pregnant at Christmas and being able to give my parents the one thing I’ve been dying to give them- news of their first grandchild.

But here I am, hollow,  wondering just how to pick myself back up again to try another time.  Just thinking about starting all over again- month of daily multiple injections, dark 6:45 a.m. daily monitoring and another surgery makes my breath catch in my chest.  But even worse is another two week wait, which I learned is the worst part of this entire process.  The not knowing, the maybes, the bottles of O’Douls.  The hope and the looming potential devastation.  The lack of control.  And then the ultimately terrifying thought of….what if this never happens for us?

Since I know people will ask, Andrew and I both have been tested up, down and sideways and nothing has come up wrong other than one “super sub-clinical” potential thyroid level that seems to have resolved itself.  I have “a very high egg reserve” and Andrew’s boys are in the Michael Phelps category.  I did acupuncture once a week. So of course my brain goes to… “you waited to damn long Erin”.  I know many women who have had their first babies at 35 or older, but I still can’t help but think that I may have traded a baby for a New York Times Bestseller title.  And while I could not be prouder of what I’ve accomplished, I can’t help but feeling like a massive failure where it concerns being female.  My identity feels wrapped up in this one shortcoming.  The feeling of regret in waiting for the “perfect time” is growing and swelling like a wave, cresting with every passing glance at baby-filled Facebook.

The life of someone going through infertility can be painfully lonely.  Even while you sit in crowded waiting rooms, eying the chairs filled with other women traipsing through this messy, awful journey- it still is incredibly alienating.  Especially when you are 35.  Most of my friends already have children or are currently swollen with an impending life.  Except for a couple of people, most of my friends seem to be fertility goddesses as well, pregnancy coming easy, if not miraculously.  And despite their love and support which I appreciate more than I can say, I still feel alone in this fear and worry.  It’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

So I am coming to you, dear readers, since I know some of you have been through this, to ask how you bounced back, how you succeeded, how you found a way to cross over to the other side and find joy.  I know this is a fresh loss and time will help (as well as a second opinion, seeing as how less than thrilled I was with my entire experience at my current clinic)- but just how did you find the strength to believe this would all work out in the end? Because right now I’m having a hard time getting my brain to even accept that kind of thinking.  There’s a whole lot of gloom and doom storming around in there and I need to find a little ray of sunshine.

I need to keep the faith that one day this WILL happen and I will make you all mad by turning this into a mommy blog.*

* I actually would never do that. That was more for dramatic effect. :)

 

 



280 comments

  1. Erin,
    As someone who went to MPS with you, and looked for your posters in Main with such excitement…I have followed this blog since you started. Life gives you no directions and I greatly understand your anxiety and fear. I just went through a divorce, with someone who six months after our marriage ,left with exact no reason, no explanation. Rebuilding has been the hardest thing I’ve experienced. But within that such good has come across my path. I too wonder what will happen with all the plans I made timing wise with my life…That being said, my career is somewhere I never thought it would be, and I know I’ll find a good person to spend my life with. Just keep the faith. Timing has a funny way of making things work out exactly how they are supposed to, no matter how it makes us feel in the interim . Much love…and as always, Farmington’s our home :)

  2. First step is to stop drinking….

    Just do it for your child. Next have intercourse every other day prior to your weekly ovulation date and then every other day after your ovulation date. You will not even remotely consider all this but what they hey, I gave you the facts….

  3. Your story pulled at my heart. I can relate to everything you said and I just want you to know that it will happen for you. Believe it……I remember my journey and seeing everyone around me getting pregnant. After my 4th miscarriage I vowed to keep my head up and pass on as much positive energy to my friends who were all so excited about their growing families. It was hard….and like you said there were plenty of times I had to peel myself off the floor to restart all over again. The hormone injections and all of the unknown. I sat down after the 4th miscarriage and made a vision board of what I wanted. And years later I have 3 little beans. It is not too late for you. Sending you prayers and wishing you wonderful blessings…..Nicole

  4. I too have been through that same road. I remember running off in tears when someone asked me what we hadn’t started a family yet, since I was 35. Costco didn’t carry super pack pregnancy test kits 12 years ago. HANG in there..truly believe and visualize that it can happen to you. Really let go and allow it to happen to you. I have a beautiful 12 year old now….. it will happen for you. keep the faith.
    I pray for and send you a glowing ball of energy and love,
    Barbara

  5. I too have been through that same road. I remember running off in tears when someone asked me why we hadn’t started a family yet, since I was 35. Costco didn’t carry super pack pregnancy test kits 12 years ago. HANG in there..truly believe and visualize that it can happen to you. Really let go and allow it to happen to you. I have a beautiful 12 year old now….. it will happen for you. keep the faith.
    I pray for and send you a glowing ball of energy and love,
    Barbara

  6. Fertility is such a mystery. Like many others who replied to your post, I struggled through my thirties to get pregnant and was told that I had approximately 5% chance at success. My husband and I spent 8 years trying to get pregnant and it worked twice, despite the bleak odds- with much intervention. I turned 40 last year and was thankful to have two healthy little boys. My OB asked me what my contraception plans were now that our family was complete- I laughed and told her she was barking up the wrong tree as I was as fertility challengerd as they come. Now, as I write this at age 41 with a 3 week old baby girl laying next to me I can tell you that miracles happen every day- most often when you least expect it! I would agree that you need to keep plugging away and I know it’s easier said than done but please try to reduce your stress as I believe that the worry/fear/frustration that we all feel as we struggle to conceive is a major impediment to the end goal. Best of luck to you!

  7. Erin– We are two teachers from MMS in Storrs who read and love your blog regularly. We want you to know that we, too, have been down the fertility-problem road and can sympathize. Both of us have suffered losses and heartbreak but ended up parents in the end. We are praying for you! Hang in there. You possess amazing strength that will sustain you through these ups and downs.

  8. Hi Erin,

    I have been following you for a few years now, and I totally understand how you feel. I got married at 30 and thought I would get pregnant right away, but didn’t have our daughter until I was 34. My husband and I tried for about 8 months on our own until I decided to get tested to make sure we were both “working” as we should, and we were…..tried a few more months, nothing, did IUI a few times, nothing, then moved to IVF – I could get into more detail with these experiences, but it was horrible, the surgeries, over stimulating, injections, only to be devistated when it did not happen. I think, as you are probably experiencing, the part to this that I just didn’t anticipate is how alone you feel during the whole process…..I had a full-time job as I was watching my friends one by one quit theirs to be a stay-at-home mom and felt that I could not relate to them anymore. I actually quit my job and we tried IVF one more time, which didn’t work. For me, the only thing that got me through this time was my faith in God and that I could not understand His plan for my life, but even if I didn’t understand it, it was a perfect plan and I needed to rest in that. During this time, I really just let it go. I prayed that God would keep me in a state of thankfulness of what He had given me and that I wouldn’t dwell on what I didn’t have – a baby. It was during this time that we got pregnant naturally for our daughter, Madison , who is now 19 months. I know that everyone has their own story and each experience is different, but I do believe it will happen for you. I am so sorry that you have to go through this, but there is a reason and a purpose and it will happen.

  9. I’m posting only to send you the best of luck and lots of hugs and love. I know the pain of what you’re going through and am still dealing with a 2+ year struggle with secondary infertility. It’s the pits. Plain and simple. Reading these 200+ comments was a bit of therapy for me, too. I’m so glad you’ve been so open and honest about your journey on this blog. Know that it’s helping others too. Life is crazy…truly…but what more can we do than hang on to HOPE and know that there is a plan. No doubt this WILL happen for you…and me…and everyone else who is struggling. xoxo

  10. I’ve chimed in with my story in the past, but I want to encourage you to keep going. There are so many working parts to achieve a successful pregnancy, it’s a miracle anyone gets pregnant. We did IVF for my first and had an uneventful, happy pregnancy. When we tried again, I lost two babies and found a myriad of troubles that were hidden just a couple years before, thyroid, blood clotting, you name it. I started working out all the time, cut gluten, went to acupuncture, and tried to de-stress. I just want you to know that there are SO MANY women out there that keep their path a secret. While it seems that everyone else can get pregnant at the drop of a hat, it just isn’t true. If a baby is really, truly what you want, keep going. I’m now pregnant with my second and third son and all of the hoops and the heartbreak it took to get us here, it was so so worth it. You have thousands of readers cheering you on. Thank you for not being ashamed to talk about it.

  11. Erin, the only advice I can give you is to give your worries to God. The more you stress and worry and think and question, the harder it is to get pregnant – I know from first hand experience. Give your fears and your worries to God, and let him manage those for you, after all, you cannot make this happen, you can only follow the steps and have faith. I’ve read a lot of the comments provided, and the more you try and control this (not drinking, exercising, not exercising, planning, etc.) the more you worry. And worry is just displaced creativity. Have fun, laugh, enjoy the process, go on dates, eat what you want, be normal, but most of all, have faith. I will pray for you and Andrew right now!

  12. Been there…and it was such a dark time period, so i 100% understand. no one else understands the pain and what it feels like to open up facebook and see those stupid sonogram pics. even our dear husbands (and fertility challenges were probably the BEST thing that could happen to make our relationship stronger) could really understand the emotions. And those IVF drugs can make you cr-azy!

    it took us a miscarriage, 3 IUI’s, 4 rounds of IVF, acupuncture, nasty vitamins and everything else you can imagine and just when I’d given up all hope…poof – pregnant (got wasted the night before my 4th transfer because why not!). like yourself, my husband and i had no “known problems” which sometimes is worse. I hyper-stimulated during a few different rounds and got really sick (too many eggs- go figure). my IVF doc is still a friend because she saw me through my worst of days.

    BUT…there is hope. just when i’d given up all hope we got pregnant. i didn’t accept we were pregnant for well…until little Warner was born in 2013 because i was pessimistic and kept waiting for something to go wrong. so of course we didn’t go on birth control. I went back to my IVF doc a few months ago because my health was struggling and i thought i was dying of some weird disease…only to find out i was miraculously pregnant. WHAT?! the lord does funny things. $40k for the first baby and probably a glass of champs to produce the 2nd.

    Hang in there. it’s tough…but just remember that those book sales will help pay for all the expensive treatments:) it’s worth every penny and every friend i have whose gone through it will vouch for the fact that the second you hold that baby in your arms, you forget about all the pain, tears and $’s spent. big hugs!!! and drinks lots of wine this holiday season. one of the only thing that helps!

  13. I just want you to know how important it is that you are open about your story. I am an Ob/Gyn in New Jersey and I can’t tell you how many women are going through the exact same thing as you. And although there are so many women with the same struggle, it can be so isolating and that’s the one thing I hear time and time again. As a source of encouragement, I have seen inumerable times that attempts are made to get pregnant (either through IVF or naturally) without success and then it happens the next time. Trust your body……it is strong and capabable of conceiving; believe in it… even when it seems like hope is futile.

  14. Erin,

    I can’t wait for you to turn this blog into a baby blog in 2015 because it’s going to happen for you. Including you and your Christmas wish in my prayers!

  15. I have thought for a few days about your post. I’ve no real world advice to offer as I’ve never struggled with infertility. But, I did suffer a couple of devastating miscarriages and I’ll tell you what a great friend so wisely told me then: “The grace and wind that has left your sails today will find you again, and take you where you need to go.”

    Meanwhile, to combat the endless stream of gurgling babies on social media, post pics of you and your adorable husband still trim and well-rested in fantastic places, drinking great cocktails and spending every penny of that disposable income. Nothing needles us war worn parents like seeing hot, childless people cavorting whenever and wherever they want. Hang tough.

  16. I am so sorry. I went through infertility also… and a miscarriage, and an ectopic pregnancy that ended in emergency surgery and a lost fallopian tube. It was truly horrible. Please don’t give up hope yet. We kept doing infertility treatments… and now I have triplets. :) good luck!

  17. I am so sorry and can only imagine how difficult this must be for you and your husband. First, sharing your story is so important and getting support from others. It’s almost harder keeping it inside so great job being strong. I am not sure if someone else commented about this but have you tried changing your diet? I saw a nutritionist before my first child and she told me to remove gluten, sugar and dairy from my diet. All of her clients that did this were super quick to get pregnant. I didn’t really believe it but it worked. I have read many articles where woman struggling tried this and their body was able to get pregnant immediately. Especially since you know both of you don’t have any issues. Those food groups cause inflammation in your body. If you haven’t tried..it’s definitely worth a shot. It worked for me and love sharing with my friends who have struggled. Also, you can try add maca to your diet. It’s a natural supplement that can enhance fertility. I added to smoothies and juices. Again, thanks so much for sharing your struggle- hope some of this advice helps!!!

  18. Hi Erin,

    I’m in the same boat as you are. In many of the same boats actually. I’m an interior designer, i’ve been with my husband since I was 19 (and now 31), we have an adorable tiny goldendoodle and I just finished renovating our 135 year old victorian. I just finished reading your book cover to cover and loved it. Felt like I found a soul-sister.
    Over the last 3-4 years, I’ve had 1 ectopic pregnancy that resulted in emergency surgery while in Paris and loss of a fallopian tube and then 4 miscarriages (2 of which from IVF). I found out last Christmas day that the 2nd perfect embryo hadn’t taken. To say that I felt I was in the pits of despair is actually putting it mildly. So I took a year off. I was (and still am) pretty sure I never wanted to see another needle in my life or ever wanted to get stimulated by any hormone ever again. That’s a personal choice. Over this past year, I’ve made plans that didn’t involve knowing when I would ovulate or the first day of my period. I’ve just had fun, I’ve taken care of myself, I’ve slowed down, I’ve exercised every day, I’ve seen a therapist, I went to acupuncture, I’ve seen an integrative doctor and am trying to make the best of it. We really are very blessed and if it happens that’s wonderful and if it doesn’t I want to make sure I don’t become a bitter or angry person because of it. I’ll get many more fur babies. I don’t know if that’s helpful as I’m still in the trenches as it were but this is how I am coping. You’re doing significantly better than I was at your stage as I couldn’t verbalize as you have…

  19. I went through four rounds of fertility treatment. First one didn’t take, second one was a 5-week miscarriage and the third was a 10-week miscarriage (the most devastating as we had heard the heartbeat already and then at a Christmas eve exam, there was no longer a heartbeat and then two weeks later, had to take a pill to physically miscarry at home). We went to a private general medical clinic for genetics testing. Beyond on the genetics testing, our fertility counsellor there gave us two very strong suggestions: both of us get off all prescriptions that aren’t life-or-death (for example, epilepsy or severe depression) and stop doing anything stressful – and if we couldn’t stop doing something stressful (such as work), allow it to only be stressful if it is life-or-death. We did both immediately (I think my bosses were a little shocked when suddenly I stopped being a perfectionist), including the prescriptions, and for our fourth round, we managed to get pregnant and 40 anxiety-filled, daring-to-hope-but-not-readily-celebrating, weeks later, our baby girl was born. If you can afford to do IVF multiple times, maybe you could also consider surrogacy since you both have superb ‘ingredients’? Pregnancy is just a temporary means to a result and the result is a wonderful child that lasts a lifetime. Good luck!

  20. As Winston Churchill said, “Never give up.” We had a healthy baby girl in 2002, but due to complications after delivery, struggled to get pregnant again. We tried every infertility treatment, acupuncture, herbal remedies, etc. and suffered five miscarriages. The losses broke our hearts, but the isolation and sense of hopelessness was at times even more devastating. But then in 2007 my husband’s company moved us to China. Over the course of the next three years, we fostered and eventually adopted three baby girls…two whom we’ve had since they were less than 10 days old. It’s not the family we planned or ever imagined, but they are absolutely our babies. My point is, you will get your family. It might not be exactly when or how you’ve planned it, but don’t give up!! We’re all cheering for you!

  21. You might find the blog “it’s always something”, interesting to read; I followed her blog right through all her struggles with IVF she now has twins & two baby girls; hang in there Erin, Winston Churchill said “when you’re going through hell – keep going”.

    Wishing you all the best.

    Barb

  22. Hi Erin,
    Thank you for being so open about your journey. Your story is almost the same as mine. I got married in my 20’s and we waited for the “perfect” moment with our careers, life, etc. to start a family in my 30’s. Little did I think it would take 2 long years where I have felt so isolated even from my closest friends. We’ve also had every test under the sun done and my husband and I are totally healthy and what the doctors call “unexplained.” We tried IVF for the first time in September and I really didn’t have a great cycle and I had a chemical. I wished that we could start again right away but my doctor insisted that I take a month off and he reworked my protocol. The doctors learn so much from the fist cycle and I started again in October with different medications and the cycle was like a different patient! Some people just react differently to the various meds and you really need to give it another try. I just got a positive Beta on Monday and I am actually still in shock that this worked and that there can be positive news after so much disappointment. Keep the faith, stay strong and you must believe that this WILL WORK!
    BTW – I go to Dr. Kligman at Cornell in NYC and I would highly recommend him. I am sure he does phone consults.

  23. I guess I appear to be one of those fertility goddesses you mention. Even though getting pregnant was not too hard, I had 3 miscarriages which take their toll on your emotional state for a long time. I have a few friends who went through a similar situation that you are in. One such couple went through 5 or so round on IVF only to call it quits and decided to adopt. I remember visiting them in my blessed state avoiding any talk of my own state or even holding a hand on the tummy, and telling them of magazine article that I read about couples who conceived after adopting. After deciding to adopt and being accepted by the agency, my friends got pregnant – I believe it has to do with lack of stress that they were under up to that point. Now they have two beautiful girls – both conceived naturally.

    While I am no doctor and it is easy to say to relax and let nature or procedure take its course – it might exactly be what you need.

    Best of luck.
    Sofia

  24. Hi Erin,
    I just had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I’m 35 years old and waited for everything to be “perfect”, even holding off a year after our wedding just because. I am working on being positive, but it can be very challenging. I think every woman I know is pregnant right now from friends to family to our neighbor (having her fifth), and my closest friend at work who just found out her pregnancy is twins. Each new announcement is like a slap in the face. I don’t have any advice…just wanted you to know you weren’t alone.

  25. Oh gosh, I remember this all too well. We also had all the tests done. So frustrating that all looks fine but no explanation as to why its not! It is so difficult I know..

    Keep up with the acupuncture avoid soy products. But I think the most important thing is to give yourself a break if you decide to go through another treatment. Take it easy on the workload if you can and no pressure. Give it a try! What do you have to lose?
    Stress and the need to be pregnant adds so much pressure.
    Say NO to pressure and expectations!!
    It will happen, just turn the switch to off and go with it (the treatments I mean).

    – it helped me to get through the treatments/needles, thinking of those who are sick or terminally ill and what they are going through to try and get better…bless them.

  26. My husband and I chose adoption over IVF. For us it was hands down the best decision ever as we have an amazing 3 year old daughter adopted domestically as a newborn and we couldn’t ask for anything more. Best wishes to you and Andrew on your journey. The road is not easy but the end results are certainly worth it.

    1. Same here. After an unexplained infertility diagnosis and 3 (or was it 4?) failed IUIs, we readied ourselves for IVF. And then – I just couldn’t take it anymore. Even with the hope that came with each treatment, I felt so hollow. We adopted. Held our son hours after he was born. He’s almost 18 months, and we are now in the adoption process again. I can’t imagine greater joy than what he has brought us to our lives.

      Also…don’t beat yourself up over waiting too long. You didn’t. I started trying at 30 and still struggled. Your family will start when it is meant to, and will take the shape it is meant to have. We are all rooting for you, and you are NOT alone.

  27. Just sending you and your husband love and support. Many if my friends have gone down this tough road, and it did end up working, although heartbreaking at times. One day at a time!

  28. Erin, Reading today’s entry brought tears to my eyes as I remembered experiencing the feelings you expressed…my husband and I had just graduated from law school and, like you, had accomplished so much except the one thing I felt I had no control over–the ability to get pregnant. All I wanted was a baby, and that was the one thing I couldn’t have.

    Thankfully, like you, I have a great support system with my husband and friends–still, like you said, a very lonely journey! My OB finally suggested that I see a therapist (what?!?) to see if there was anything that could be mentally shutting down my body–I thought that was a wacky idea, but I was willing to literally try anything. Sure enough, as I talked it through with her, I realized that the pressure being put on me by my parent’s squabbling and impending divorce was really taking its toll…just one more thing they were relying on me to “fix”. Once I saw what was really happening, I was pregnant within six weeks (after having tried unsuccessfully for over two years.)

    Having our 23 year old son and 21 year old twins home for Thanksgiving is the greatest joy–you WILL be there,too!!! It’s okay to feel sadness, just never give up hope and remember that faith will get you through.

  29. Hi Erin,
    I’ll be one more cheerleader – my youngest brother and his wife went through the heartache and pain of IVF, etc. After several attempts, it DID work. They are the parents of a now 18 yr. old, twin 14 year old sons and a 12 year old. Low & behold, the youngest (Kaari) was a surprise! A big surprise. My heart goes out to you and Andrew. You are upfront and honest and I’ve always respected that about you. You speaking out will help others who find it hard to put there pain out there. If anything, I hope one more message of hope brings you just that, h o p e and faith. I’m keeping you in my prayers. x

  30. Dear Erin,
    I can’t imagine how hard it is to go through these treatments. Please keep the faith, those things are effective and it will happen for you! I KNOW that it is a lot easier said than done, but taking some time off and de-emphasizing “getting pregnant” works sometimes… my husband and I tried for more than a year (I was well over 35) and I was thinking exactly the same things… I had waited too long… my husband got tested and he was perfect…my OB suggested IVF and extensive testing, and hinted that I am in what they call “advanced” maternal age… and then I just decided to take a mental break from trying. I have seen friends go through IVF, the stress and the dollars spent, and I just was not ready. I started to train for a marathon again, signed up for a boot camp class, and overhauled out diet (I did get rid of dairy and grains and soy to shake things up for a while, but not as a permanent thing). Then, a couple of months later I missed my period and did not even notice. After a few weeks I figured it out and got a pregnancy test. My daughter was born in November 2011. 11 months later I got pregnant again with my second daughter (surprise). Do what you think will bring you most calm, will make your mind most at ease. It will happen.

  31. I hope releasing your feelings helps ease your sadness?
    The statistics are on your side but unfortunately it usually takes time.
    Remember when you started your blog and the feelings and challenges you faced? I am sure you would have wondered many of the feelings you discribed after not being successful after your first ivf cycle. You have great strength and inner resources to harness the strength needed to keep going because you have used the same strength in your professional life.
    Find ivf professionals that you trust to deliver best practice with individual care and keep going.
    Know that many people are wishing you both success.
    P

  32. Erin,
    I, too, have been there and it sucks. It completely sucks. My heart goes out to you. How to get through it? I was lucky enough that a dear friend from law school was going through IVF at the same time I was and so I could call her and commiserate about the hormones, keeping track of all the drugs, the bruising, the early morning appointments, not knowing whether to cry or claw at the face of the woman at the party who says “we weren’t even trying!” (I handled that one by crying to the bartender and requesting another drink!”), etc. That helped so much and so I encourage you to find a support network. My acupuncturist specializes in infertility and she runs some great workshops. I know you aren’t local, but she may have some great resources for you: http://heal-from-within.com/ Second, I think you’ve got to keep your eyes on the prize. It was one of the hardest things I’ve gone through, but oh it is so worth it. You WILL be a parent, you will. And it doesn’t feel fair that it is harder for some people than others, but it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it, or it isn’t right, or your not meant to be a mother or anything else. (Not that I was any good of convincing myself otherwise – when the IVF finally worked, I was so sick from ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome that I didn’t believe I was actually pregnant, or even that the pregnancy would last — I was so stressed for so long!). Infertility is struggle, but one way or another, you will be build a beautiful family. I’m now a mom of twins and the amount of joy and love they bring to my life make those dark days so well worth it. Hang in there and while it does feel incredibly lonesome, know you are not alone.
    Sending good thoughts your way,
    Elizabeth

  33. Amazing- even while you write a tear jerker of a post (and have no doubt shed some of your own) your humor shines through.

    I hope that you do turn this into a mommy blog!!!!

    While I am sure you have endured myriad off the wall recommendations.., i have one more.

    It’s called dream birth (there’s a book on it that s new) and it is basically fertility and then Pregnancy and labor/ delivery guided meditations. I highly recommend having a doula facilitate for you start to finish- it was a magical process. (I am 34.)

    My doula was Claudia raiken. She is in NYC but works with women all over on the visualizations. Good luck, Erin.

  34. I’ve done what you are doing, and I wish I could say it didn’t suck, but that would be a lie of the highest order. The worst thing you can do is blame yourself. Scratch that, the worst thing you can do is give up. If you want to be a mom, you will, period. It may not be the traditional way, or the easy way, or the pretty way, or on “schedule”, but if you want that child, you’ll get them. And what a lucky kid that will be!

  35. Erin, my prayers go out for you and your family. I can’t tell you how comforting it is to know others are going through what my husband and I are. Thank you so much for sharing your story. We have had 3 mc in a year, and we are starting ivf this upcoming month. No known issues other than borderline thyroid levels like in your case, and I’m scared out of my mind of experiencing another loss. I switched Dr.s several months ago after finally listening to my intuition telling me our current RE was missing something, and wasn’t the right fit for us. I hope it pays off. I hope you know you are not alone, and I hope that you find the determination and strength to move forward and to keep trying; it’s just a matter of time before everything aligns for you to become a mother. Have faith in the timing and know it will all unfold the way it’s supposed to. Godspeed and God bless.

  36. My IVF baby is now 10. After 6 IUI’s, 3 failed IVF attempts, and one, finally successful, last-ditch effort Frozen Embryo transfer. She was born premature, weighing only 2 lbs., 11 oz., and spent a month in the NICU. I remember the pain of having a newborn in the hospital, and feeling, yet again, that I didn’t get to experience anything “normally pregnant, normally birthing” mothers did. BUT, most of all, I remember the gut-wrenching pain of my infertility journey. The feeling that it might never happen. I encourage you – just believe!! Just keep pushing on, and allow yourself all of the emotions involved. I quit my job, did yoga, did acupuncture, took vacations, “relaxed”, etc., and I have NO idea why it finally worked for me. But you must believe that it WILL happen for you. Your journey to motherhood will happen; picture your journey like a slow, meandering river. It will be bumpy, it will take turns you might not expect, but be open to it, even if it is not how you pictured it. Close your eyes and imagine yourself floating that river wherever it goes. No matter what, it is still magical and worth every single tear you will shed.

  37. Erin, oh how I sympathize with you. Trying to get pregnant caused more anxiety, envy (pregnant people), and stress in my life than anything I’ve ever attempted. It seemed like the world was getting pregnant and I was on the outside. One thing I would suggest – have your Fallopian tubes tested and flushed out. Sounds strange but I did a dye test with my OB and was pregnant the next month. I think it just kind of cleaned out the pipes and got things moving. Plus it was nice to hear that my tubes were in good shape. Another friend had the same experience. Hang in there. It will happen!

  38. Hi sweet Erin. You are an achiever and a goal setter. And I know that you can’t help yourself but to feel like its your fault that you aren’t pregnant yet when its all you want so much! But it isn’t your fault at all, you are simply still on your path to being a mother. Your beautiful life has followed such a perfect path so far, even when you thought the future was unsure you crafted it into what you wanted! Have faith! You will be a mother, and you will look into your child’s eyes and you will know in your heart that you were destined to be together. You may end up entering motherhood in a way that you never really thought about (I went through years of infertility to end up adopting I feel so blessed because I swear to the universe that she was destined for me). Maybe your path will be different but whatever it is, you will be a mother if it is what you truly want. Have faith. When you feel down imagine those sweet moments alone with your child and how you will look back at these times and know that you were preparing to meet your love. I wish I could hug you! xoxoxo Michelle

  39. Erin,
    I cannot tell you how thankful I am that you are sharing your story. When we started trying, I got pregnant immediately only to end with a loss at 11 weeks. We thought it would be easy when we started trying again-you hear people getting pregnant right away after- and it has been nothing of the sort. We are now in the same boat as you and it is draining, physically and emotionally. Every week there is another pregnancy announcement and every time I hear, it brings me to my knees and the sobbing from deep within my chest begins. Noone can know the pain brought on my loss with a miscarriage and infertility until you live it. Even with support of my husband, friends and family, it is a lonely place to be crying in the car or closet each time the emotions are stirred up. The pain of what is happening with your body from injections and medications doesn’t help either and is impossible for people to relate to. I have never questioned the existence of God so much until now (funny how infertility does that).

    With that said, reading your story and other people’s dialogue on here is so therapeutic and makes me feel less alone. The fact that someone else that I have never met so far away is going through a similar journey somehow makes it easier. Thank you so, so much for sharing and helping others like me who are looking for a connection. We are all rooting for you and praying that this year is it. When you feel alone, please know that I am thinking of you and you have hundreds of people sending good vibes your way. You have made a difference in my life today by just writing this post :)

  40. I went through this. All I had to do was gain ten pounds. I now have three kids. I think this is why so many women these days have fertility issues. We are obsessed with fitness and being perfect. You say there’s nothing wrong with you –that’s what they said to me. Shoot for 28% body fat. Don’t worry, you’ll lose it after giving birth!

  41. Hi Erin, I am a little late reading this… First off, I adore you and your perspective. I am 32. My husband and I have been trying for a year. I feel your sentiment. My friends sneeze and get pregnant! But I do believe that our time will come and I know it will come for you too. We have to try not to stress (who am I kidding, lol). I know it is cliche and I hear it all the time, but don’t give up and stay positive. I am wishing you and your hubby the best of luck on this journey.

  42. I’m sorry Erin, it’s tough going through that constant wonder. This may be way elementary after what sounds like your ordeal is a lot more complicated but this is what helped us get pregnant. After having pretty irregular cycles my friend recommended going to the chiropractor. I went once a week and that got my cycles to regulate. Around the time I was supposed to be ovulating (and after calculating that my cycles were longer than 28 days on a fertility app) we did it every day about three days before that day and then one of those landed and made our daughter. I don’t know if the chiropractor was what did the trick but, that’s what worked for us after a year of trying. Best of luck! I’ll send up a prayer.

  43. I went through over two years of infertility while my friends all got pregnant and had their babies. It was a really hard time. My advice is to go easy on yourself and its ok to grieve and get mad. Also the stuff about de stressing really made me mad when I was trying to get pregnant. I worked at a law firm with 80 hour weeks and there was no way I could ever destress. I actually ended up getting pregnant during the most stressful month I’ve ever had.

  44. I have been exactly where you are at, so many times. It sucks, there is no way around it. It will all finally work though and when it does all the darky gloomy stuff is magically lifted. What worked for me was Natural IVF, no medicine. Like you, my husband and I checked out fine. I also stopped alcohol and caffeine for a month prior and during the whole process. Totally sucks, especially because all you want to do is drench yourself in wine :), but I really think it helped. I also joined an infertility group at my church, I am SO not someone who joins groups, but it was refreshing to be around people who understood and could laugh with me about crying over Kate Middleton’s pregnancy or wanting to punch the pregnant teenager in Trader Joes. I wish you the best.

  45. Here is a take from the other side. The menopausal/ stay at home mom/now empty nest/ mother of three side. Starting your own business in a field you are passionate about is a very beautiful thing and took a lot of work, which would have been very difficult with a little one needing your time and attention. You did what was right for you. The pressure our society puts on childless couples is silly . Our friends who never had kids lead full and happy lives without the anxiety of parenthood. Several of them tried for years and after much expense and disappointment, gave up.

    There is no perfect set of rules for a happy life. Stress and anxiety are not your friends. You have had an awesome year. Enjoy it, sit back, enjoy your favorite foods, maybe gain a little weight, pregnancy and body fat are happy companions. Try to change your mind set-“you are not desperate to have a baby, you want children but if it doesn’t happen, you will be fine.” When my brother and sister in law least expected it after years of trying, they got pregnant. Best wishes to you Erin and Andrew.

  46. Dear Erin,
    My heart breaks for you but know you are not alone in this struggle. My first pregnancy lasted about a minute- I even tested positive a for about one day. However, I lost my precious baby just as quickly as I found out about him/her. My little embryo didn’t stick either. My OB said the following month I would be extra fertile and to have sex often! I had sex everyday up until ovulation and a few days after and was pregnant! Had a beautiful , healthy baby girl! You are likely extra fertile and perhaps your angel baby was prepping your body for one this month! Good luck! I bet this month your body is ready for your little miracle! <3

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